Editor’s Note: This story is a part of The Bacon, the annual spring satirical issue published by The Beacon. That means the story you’re about to read is a work of fiction where all names are changed. Any resemblance to real-life people, places or things is intended purely as satire, parody or spoof; it is not intended to communicate any true or factual information. Enjoy!
Roommate satisfaction is down during the spring semester, a drastic shift from the overall numbers last fall. A shocking new study shows that NW students are twice as likely to be dissatisfied with their current rooming situation than in the fall.
“These are unprecedented numbers,” said admissions counselor Whatalie Neeler. “We aren’t used to this type of drop in numbers, and we are devoting all of our resources into figuring out why.”
The study was conducted by a group of students working on a class project. Being a sensitive issue, the researchers and their interviewees have requested to remain anonymous.
“Privacy is our number one concern,” their faculty advisor said. “The students surveyed opened up their hearts to us, and we don’t take that lightly.”
The study concluded that forced change was the number one reason why students were not happy with their current roommates. Only a small portion of the student body is currently living with their previous roommate, despite an overwhelming majority of students who planned to stick with their roommate during the semester.
“It’s like we’re freshmen all over again!” one student said. “I had finally got used to my assigned roommate. Now I have to go through the process for a second time!”
This sentiment is echoed by most other students in the study. The inability to choose their rooming situation topped the list of complaints.
Beyond that, students have also seen an increase in unsavory behavior amongst their new roommates. One said, “My new roommates are extremely bossy and intrusive. They are always asking me to do chores or trying to start conversations—stuff my old roommates never did. I miss them.”
Another phrased it differently, saying, “They act like they are the RD or something, always thinking they are in charge. Like we get it, you think you’re a big shot. Just let me study in peace.”
Students also expressed concerns about the reporting system with resident assistant approval ratings seeing their biggest drop yet for claims of overreach and bias.
Oddly, there were some exceptions to the overall disapproval. Roommates with four legs still experience an approval rating near 100%, holding steady compared to their previous numbers. Students rate them high for emotional support, snuggling and extreme cuteness, beating out two-legged roommates in those departments by double digits.
“I mean, my old roommate was a good snuggler, but they don’t even begin to compare,” a few students glowed.
Even with that glimmer of goodness, the study still concludes that students will be dying to escape their current roommates come the fall.
“We’re expecting some very enthralled students,” Neeler said.
But until then, students will just have to put up with their bossy and annoying co-bunkers.
