In an effort to even out the ratio of men and women on campus, the Board of Directors has taken a drastic, underhanded measure. “We decided we needed to get rid of some of the girls,” said John Bargain, Dean of Student Life. “And what more effective way than by planting some harmless lice and letting their womanly affections do the dirty work for us?”
Bargain was quick to note that the Board did their homework before going through with their plan. “We individually ate in the cafeteria two or three times a week. We walked around campus and sat in hallways. And we noticed that females were much more affectionate with each other than males,” said Bargain. “They’re basically hugging machines!”
With the first major snowfall on November 13, the Board knew it was time to act. “The Board obviously wanted to do this as inconspicuously as possible,” said Greg Crispy, President of Northwestern College. “It would be bad public relations if it got out we were infesting our female students with lice.”
The first step was to get genetically-modified lice. “We wanted the women off campus long enough that they wouldn’t be able to come back next semester,” said Crispy, “but we didn’t want the infestation to be permanent or disabling.”
Using his presidential influence, Crispy enlisted the help of Sara Molsma, professor of biology. Molsma teaches the genetics class on campus and knew exactly what needed to be done. “It took me a couple of weeks, but with the promise of an extended sabbatical and the Board breathing down my neck, it wasn’t hard to stay motivated,” said Molsma. “It was actually a lot of fun. I may end up getting a paper published on the topic – specifics removed, of course.”
Once they obtained the lice, the Board chose Thanksgiving dinner in the cafeteria as the time to execute their plan. “We chose the supper hour because it has a narrower time slot – a lot of people would be eating at around the same time. And we chose Thanksgiving dinner because who doesn’t love turkey and stuffing?” said Bargain. “Everyone would be there.”
Bargain refused to divulge the name of the culprit, but did state that a Board member casually walked into the coatroom that evening and planted lice on approximately twenty different girls’ hats. “Once that was done, the rest was up to the girls,” said Bargain.
Statistics on the effectiveness of this plan were unavailable at print time. But Crispy remains optimistic.
“Our ultimate goal is that enough girls will have to leave campus that we won’t need to build a new dorm,” said Crispy. “If it works out the way we hope, we can move the rest of the Steggy girls into either Hospers or Fern. Then, ta-da! An empty dorm for incoming men!”
The Beacon received an anonymous email stating that the Admissions Department has been asked to screen female applicants next fall. However, the Admissions Department has refused to comment on the issue, citing possible lawsuits.