Depression is a very serious problem, but its victims don’t always recognize their symptoms.
For psychology professor Terry Chi, two suicide attempts was enough to convince him that he had a problem.
Chi had been struggling with depression since high school after his family moved from California to Texas. It was his third high school in four years, and his normal A-student mentality had fallen to nearly failing. Chi felt that life had become overwhelming.
He recalls returning home from school as a junior and thinking, “I might as well just end it now.”
“I didn’t care about my welfare,” Chi said.
Although the depression lessened for the remainder of high school and early college, it soon redeveloped while in the clinical psychology Ph.D. program at Berkeley.
Ironically, Chi recalled that the onset of renewed symptoms began after he started seeing patients.
“In the morning I was treating people with depression. I was in the best shape of my life, trying to get my depression out of the way,” Chi said. “[But] no matter how hard I tried, being a good psychologist and caring for my patients was out of reach.”
On top of the stress of work, Chi had begun to feel helpless and hopeless—the same symptoms he was diagnosing for the mental disease which he was studying to treat.
The worst of his depression came in 1997.
“I was struggling to connect with my clients, and I was single as well,” Chi said. “I couldn’t have a relationship with people.”
One of the few connections Chi had was his roommate but even this was weak.
“We were just pathetic nerds, two single guys who watched Gilmore Girls and Dawson Creek,” Chi said.
It was after a San Francisco Giants game, that Chi felt he hit rock bottom.
“I was waiting for the subway train,” Chi said. “A voice was saying ‘jump.’”
At the time, Chi was not a Christian, so suicide seemed like an easy fix. Chi felt that his secular state of mind contributed to his suicidal tendencies.
“I was at Berkeley. I was one of those tree-hugging people,” Chi said. “That night, it was the second time I thought I should just end it.”
But once again, something kept him from jumping.
“This is where my education helped because I knew this was not good,” Chi said. “I physically had to remove myself from the two feet [by] the track where I was. I needed help or I was done.”
It was then that Chi sought out treatment. After years of avoiding professional and medical help, Chi saw a need that was too great to ignore.
“I finally decided, ‘I can’t think my way out of it. I can’t exercise my way out of it,’” Chi said. “Taking medication doesn’t mean you are weak. A lot of us, even now, think it’s a crutch. Is your allergy medication a crutch? Sometimes it’s your nasal passages, sometimes it’s your nose, sometimes it’s your mind.”
Following his decision to seek help, Chi started to feel and see positive changes in himself. He realized he couldn’t do it alone.
“You are part of a group, thinking you are alone. That’s the irony,” Chi said.
Both Dr. Chi and Dr. Sally Edman, an on-campus counselor at the Wellness Center, agree that depression is not something to be ashamed of, nor is it something to endure alone.
“We all do better when we rely on each other, especially during times of stress and distress,” Edman said. “Depression is the most common psychological disorder, and it is very common in college students. Students don’t need to feel awkward or alone.”
Edman strongly encouraged students who might be suffering from depression to seek help before it gets out of hand.
“It’s something you don’t want to become a chronic problem,” Edman said. “Take steps and don’t let it go.”
Edman realizes that overcoming insecurity is easier said than done, especially when it comes to seeking help.
“It’s nerve-wracking. We’re behind a closed door,” Edman said. “But we usually start by finding out what the problem is.” Edman explained that the next steps involve moving into a treatment plan best suited for the student.
According to Edman, therapy requires teamwork.
“We’re no good to somebody without their input,” Edman said. “We want to know the student’s problems, but want to help them meet their values and goals too.”
The
An important aspect of the Wellness Center is that it’s completely confidential and free of charge.
“We are able to provide professional therapy,” Edman said. “Our feedback from students is positive.”
is the Wellness Center’s purpose, according to Edman, is to meet the student where he or she is at mentally, physically and emotionally.
However, for an anonymous NW junior, a battle with depression would require more than a visit to the Wellness Center.
She recalls similar symptoms as Chi.
“My focus was way off. My grades were really bad. I couldn’t read because I couldn’t concentrate for more than a paragraph,” she said.
She was also coming out of a verbally abusive relationship, one that haunted her for some time.
Suffering academically, socially and internally, she felt emotionless.
“From October to March I did not shed a single tear because I didn’t feel anything,” she said. “I was numb to everything.”
Jane finally came to the realization that enough [was] enough. She sought a counselor at home and eventually started medication.
“I had more of a drive. I wanted to get things done, and I could focus in class,” she said. “I felt like I had more of a purpose. I felt like I was there for something, not just taking up space.”
Chi, Edman and the student agree that the only way of dealing with depression is by talking with others.
“Talk to your academic advisors,” Chi said. “We really care. Just get it out.”
But Chi warns that the battle is not easily fought nor quickly won.
“You have to be patient,” he said. “You have to be in the crucible.”
