What should the U.S. government do about health care reform? Are we experiencing the effects of global warming? Has campus dynamic changed since the fall of the October Rule? —Sickly warm with love
Dear Sick, the question of Health Care Reform is one which we should all consider our position in: some believe the government should totally intervene and move towards a Nanny-State in which the government tells us what is good for us, while others say “Health care problem? I don’t see no darn health care problem! Stay off my lawn!” (gun shots fire), while others yet believe the evil, greed-based capitalist system will be our savior and come to rescue us from ourselves if we just let it take care of itself.
It’s a great question. It’s also a difficult question. So let’s skip it.
The second question I do have things to say about. Global Warming means the world will get warmer, therefore shortening winters, melting the ice caps (giving us higher oceans and thereby destroying much of the coasts) and more sun. The questions of “does Global Warming exist,” “does it affect us,” “is it man-made” and “what can we do about it” are really of secondary importance here. The real question is “What’s wrong with it?” Are you trying to tell me you want more winter? More snow? I’ll take skin cancer if it means I get to walk to class in 70 degree weather in mid-winter.
Also, the coasts will be destroyed and we’ll have more ocean to swim in—where’s the loss? That’s a classic win-win situation right there. More oceans, fewer people to cram the beaches with! If we’re really lucky we might get ourselves a real coast in Iowa!
So keep using those harmful chemicals and, if you’re really feeling motivated, go out and start your car for no reason at all! Leave it running for hours! When you run out of gas, go fill up and do it again. I’m calling this the Iowa Beach Campaign.
On the subject of the October Rule: the tragedy of its fall has been felt all around campus. Males are becoming less intelligent, women are wearing skimpier clothes and both are forgetting what their roommates look like. The beauty of the October Rule was that it encouraged freshmen to make friends with their fellow hall-mates before selling-out to find a mate, it discouraged upper classmen from preying on helpless, hormonal freshmen and it encouraged people to be smart about jumping into relationships. The true genius of the October Rule went far beyond that, though. You see, early in the semester, freshmen try too hard to dress nice…all the freaking time. By October, though, they’re sick of trying so hard and join the rest of us in our twice-a-week showering and wearing-whatever-doesn’t-smell-funny-yet habits.
Bring back the October Rule! Just because a few people got their heads shaved, felt emotionally abused and maybe were threatened with bodily injury by their hall-mates doesn’t mean we should let go of all the good things the October Rule did.
If you want your questions answered, just email them to Greg White (email@example.com).