This opinion is a work of satire and does not reflect reality.
Where do I even start? Brian VandenBerg’s snobbish Black V opinion piece in December can teach us many things. Was I the only one whose blood was boiling as I took in the athlete-elitist tone as he ripped into the Black V? I could not control my rage as I read Vandenbergs’s entitled view on what power athletes should hold in the affairs of a college. Thanks to Vandenberg, I have learned that drywall repair is pretty pricey. The $313 repair charge for the massive hole that I punched into my North Suites wall in a fit of rage while reading his article should come out of Vandenberg’s pocket because it was damage that he incited. Unfortunately, the views of VandenBerg are not all that uncommon among athletes on American college campuses. His condescending Black V hit piece masquerading as satire illustrates the notion that college sports ballers believe they run the game here at NWC.
But solely Brian can’t be blamed for this line of thinking in a country that is obsessed with people who peak in high school or college as they play fun games with balls. The propped-up ego that our sports-crazed college system feeds athletes is not lost on many big shot NAIA NW athletes. We can’t help but find ourselves pulled in by the gravity of an athlete’s power and status. Although, this same elevated self-image that the college system builds up in athletes may create internal barrenness in the post NAIA days for some athletes. Their complacent will and entitled personality often doesn’t mix well in a post-college world that generally isn’t too concerned with how many tackles they had vs. Morningside or how many points they averaged as a GPAC basketball player.
The genius of the financially savvy college system should not be underestimated. Instead of their local 3-year community college or state college, many athletes are pulled into the allure of a $40,000 college and the accompanying student loan debt by their often misguided dreams of athletic dominance. The acclaim that our society feeds athletes was apparent in Vandenberg’s piece, as he seemed to view non-athletes as small pawns on this campus whose only role is to prop up his ego as an athle——–HAAAA!!! Okay now that I have the attention of all the nerdy theater Black V apologists, let me really tell you what I think of the disgusting Black V. Nobody wants to see the Black V papers littered all over the campus. (Last time I saw one I legitimately threw up.) Also, where does all that paper come from? It is all kind of suspicious if you ask me, and I am glad Vandenberg got the ball rolling on this issue.
I feel that the advertising strategy adopted by the Black V has helped to slowly normalize the anti-environmental, consumeristic mentality that we unfortunately see far too prevalent among many who matriculate at this institution. You can thank the Black V climate change deniers for the effects of global warming as they continue to tear apart forests in order to print out papers wielding black Vs for their improv advertisements. Many experts in the area estimate that upwards of 40% of worldwide deforestation is linked to the Black V. Also, paper isn’t free. Where is all this paper money coming from? It is common knowledge among NWC insiders that the Black V is in the pocket of major lumber organizations and large paper-producing corporations as well as printer ink manufacturers. VandenBerg exposed the Black V’s shady business dealings with Big Paper and the printer ink deep state that has unfortunately swallowed up NW’s entire theater program. The integrity of NW is at stake on this issue. We cannot allow the Black V to continue operating. Vandenberg and I, along with the many never Black V-ers, must stick together to root out this evil that has gobbled up our campus.