October is far too long. It’s really hard to get excited about the month where the only thing one could possibly be excited for—Heemstra Harvest Bash, of course— does not come until the eve of November.
In an attempt to help you, the reader, to get through October, I have compiled some peppy and uplifting holidays to help you bridge the gap. Enjoy!
October is National Popcorn Popping Month! Most people are shocked to have such an inane thing to celebrate, but there’s great beauty in this month. It’s the celebration of the human condition, the soul that expands in the fires of tribulation, bounces about the popper of life, love, and loss, and then finally bursts in joy and enlightenment. Celebration of this month usually includes crafting a popcorn picture frame or necklace, learning about where popcorn comes from or pretending to be a popcorn kernel by jumping around making popping motions. Enjoy and, remember, celebrate responsibly: don’t pop and drive.
October 1—Homemade Cookies Day AND World Vegetarian Day— The difficulty with this special day is: which one should we celebrate? The obvious answer is: both. Make yourself a nice little tofu chocolate chip cookie, cover your monster cookie with broccoli, or kiss a cow—and give it a nice little Gingerbread Man to chomp on!
October 3—Virus Appreciation Day—Words cannot express how much we love our microscopic infectious agents. Maybe you’ve got a little guy spreading himself through your system right now! Spend some time with your own personal virus throughout the day and all through the night. Take him with you to the bathroom and you, together, can stare at the bottom of a toilet for a while. Maybe you and he can hang out in your bed, cuddling up with warm sheets and a box of tissues. Just give your favorite virus a hug today! And don’t forget our beloved computer viruses, without whom our computers would be too fast and WAY too reliable! It’d be a tragedy to forget them on this, their day.
October 5—Ray Kroc’s Birthday, Child Health Day—This day is simple. Find healthy children in your life and give them high fives. They’re healthy! They resist society’s cookie, candy and especially fast-food obsession. They eat their veggies and exercise! That kid is special and deserves a reward. Take ‘em to McDonald’s! Happy birthday, you golden arch initiator! Keep the grease hot for our healthy kids!
When you wake up on October 15th and try to make some coffee and forge a positive attitude about your miserable life, take a look at the calendar and scowl. Today is your day. Today is National Grouch Day: No Celebration Allowed. Many helpful and exciting suggestions can be found after a quick Google search, such as scowling at kittens and chastising those who ask simple questions. If you still can’t think of something, here are some ways I’m considering celebrating (or not celebrating) this holiday: by throwing ketchup packets at anyone using a “happy” adjective, by kicking anyone who answers “how are you” with “good,” and by spitting on the ground whenever someone smiles. Find your own way to hate this day, be as miserable as you can and be sure to spread that misery! Everyone deserves a day devoted to hating their life!
Everyone knows of Halloween, however, not everyone knows of Juliette Gordon Low, also known as “Daisy.” She is famous for founding the Girl Scouts. Now celebrating these two holidays should be easy. First, find a girl scout out walking around, then get a werewolf costume and…