Editor’s Note: This story is a part of The Bacon, the annual spring satirical issue published by The Beacon. That means the story you’re about to read is a work of fiction where all names are changed. Any resemblance to real-life people, places or things is intended purely as satire, parody or spoof; it is not intended to communicate any true or factual information. Enjoy!
Due to COVID-19 and guidance to stay home as much as possible, many reputable population tracking systems are upping the “babies born” count approximately nine months from now. (If this is confusing to you, ask your mother.) Though there is not yet sufficient evidence that correlates global pandemics to increased birth rates, many speculations are being made that this phenomenon is real and inevitable.
One of the top birth rate predictors, boomtheresababy.com, has projected that January 2021 will see a baby boom that is proportionally larger than the Boomers following World War II. These high projections are due to the scope of the COVID-19 guidelines affecting every citizen instead of just a high percentage, like with wars.
Since we’ve reached the end of the alphabet with Gen Z, some of the top identifying names for this new and numerous generation include Coronials (after the “coronavirus”), Quaranteens (after the government guidance to quarantine infected peoples) and Baby Zoomers (after the incredible reliance of the video conferencing platform, Zoom).
Northwestern College is already preparing for the increased freshman class they hope to welcome in 20 years.
“As we lament the tragic circumstances that caused this baby boom, we praise God for all the new life the world will welcome in nine months,” said NW Chaplain Dark MeYounge.
MeYounge paused for a second then exclaimed, “Baby Zoomers stand out!”
NW Dean of Student Life also shared thoughts of the huge influx of students expected to come in 2040.
“We are starting plans for a new dorm to accommodate this large population,” Ellie Juliet said. “We will call the dorms the Corona Courtyards in honor of the life-changing event that created this baby boom.”
The dorms will be completed in 2039, just in time for the quarantine kids to be entering the college scene. This is also the same year the outdoor patio space, east of the Jack and Mary DeWitt Family Science Center, will be completed.
To take advantage of this amazing potential for the college to increase enrollment, NW has begun advertising campaigns on Zoom and TikTok. Their new marketing approach is an attempt to reach the younger audience and build a favorable relationship with the Baby Zoomers before other colleges reach out to do the same.
President Creg Ghristy also had comments concerning the pandemic’s impact on NW college.
“Never in all my years of president-ing a higher education establishment have I ever expected this,” he said. “COVID-19 was unprecedented, and the following baby boom was not something any of us saw coming until recently. I know one thing for sure, though, God was orchestrating this all from the beginning, and he’s not surprised about COVID-19 or the Baby Zoomers. Deus Est Lux!”
In addition to advertising on Zoom and TikTok, the college plans to invest the next year’s donor dollars in puzzles. This is an effort to honor the current historic moment and invest in a newfound hobby for current students.
