The question on my heart has always been: When is it okay to fart? There definitely isn’t evidence in the Bible of the Disciples breaking wind; so what are the rules? I myself have never been conservative about the matter. I guess it’s just a matter of respect you have for others and for yourself, but in this case I guess I am lacking in both of those areas. I’ve considered holding it in, avoiding the beans on the salad bar and taking Gas-X, but all of those choices harm me and corrupt the natural flow of my body. So, in relation to the appropriateness of expelling stench, next year’s Day of Learning theme will be Body Functions and Faith.
Flatulents can be painful, enjoyable, freeing, pleasing and conversation stimulating—just like faith. We can use our bodily functions to break down barriers between different races across the world. Farting and burping are a universal language; with next year’s Body Functions and Faith theme, we will be able to explore how the natural gas emissions of our body can improve the Kingdom and spread the Word. Some of the workshops include: Belching the Books of the Bible, The Body of Christ: Wine, Bread and Cutting the Cheese, and TOOT TOOT: How to shout our faith louder than a train siren!
Next year’s theme was recommended by our own President, Craig Pristy. “I admit that the extinction of Heemstra will cause a major downfall in community throughout campus, but I do believe that bodily functions will help restore community and unite us in our faith.” Next year will be enlightening to students, faculty and staff by breaking the awkward tensions caused by emissions of natural gas. Ultimately we will learn how to grow together and live in community by accepting each other and practicing respect for the unique pitches, tones and smells we all have been made to produce. Heck, maybe we’ll even form a ministry band called, “The Rippers,” that focuses on the Body and the amazing musical tricks it can do.
Overall, next year’s theme will be a gusty one. It should be a rootin’ tootin’ time.